of being human...

i have always considered myself a strong person. when i want something, i know i will do everything to get it. when i have a goal, i know i will do everything to achieve it. when there is an obstacle ahead of me, i know i am always capable of overcoming it. when i set my mind on something, i know anything is possible. but then again, i am just human. i am no superhero. nor am i immortal. and as a human being i am aware that possibilities can only go as far as my mind can rationalize. i love to think and i certainly am a feeling person too. as what i always say, "i speak with my mind and feel with my heart." there may be a few times in my life when i made wrong decisions, but i am a person of character and because of this i have kept my head up high. i have learned to embrace the consequencs of my actions. each time i fell, i always stood up. and in all the times that i stood up i never looked down. yes life is but a wheel of fortune, sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down. and i guess this is what keeps me grounded.....this is what makes me human.

counting the days....

for most people the christmas countdown starts on the first day of september....for me it started way earlier! there is no christmas better than the one celebrated in manila...the festivities, the food, the atmosphere...these things are always worth coming back to. and so the song goes..."hinahanap-hanap kita manila..." i guess some people are right in saying that for me to move on with my new life here, i should start letting go of the life i left in manila. perhaps for someone my age, who has had a (quite) full (and happy) life in manila, moving on will never be easy. my children have adjusted quite well to a north american way of life, i am the one who is having a hard time. and so after almost a year, there are still days when i wish i'm back home in manila. but then again, times are always changing, nothing is pemanent in this world they say, so maybe in time i will learn to live and love the life here...but for now, i am counting the days...until i'm home again.

she's havin' a baby...finally!

i remember when my sister, mae, and i would pass by a maternity shop in glorietta, she would always chant the name of the shop..."havin' a baby!" even when we were younger, mas has always liked babies. perhaps like is not even the right word to describe it, love is probably a better way to put it. from friends' babies, nieces and nephews, to ais' and mine's little bundles of joy, all these kids never escaped mae's ever loving arms. i remember how she always loved to carry my boys when they were babies, and nathan, my nephew, and now that my boys are babies no more, and nathan has started to walk, mae would always say how much she misses their baby-hood. yes she was and is still the great tita spoiler......buying stuff for these 3 boys, treating them to jollibee every now and then (except nathan who was still a baby when she left manila) and always calling them her babies. ais and i are very lucky to have her around after giving birth for she was always the yaya you never had to pay, she was always the tita who loved our babies like they were hers. for years she took very good care of our little ones, and for years too, she hoped to have her own.......

well, the long wait is over.....she's finally having a baby! her own baby to cuddle, to spoil, to love, just like what she did with tristan, jason and nathan. there is probably no better word to describe how she feels at the moment, now that she was finally blessed with her own little one. and there is no doubt as to how good of a mother she would be. after having taken care of 3 babies years ago, she's finally taking care of her own, and what better timing than now when tristan, jason and nathan are babies no more. (but of course they would be forever her babies as what she would always say.) i am certain that mae would be a very loving mother, a very caring parent, a very wonderful mom.....and while she enjoys the big nine months, we are all filled with excitement to see our new baby. even tristan and jason are both excited to meet their new cousin, wishing on the side that it'll be a boy (well sorry my little ones, but i'm wishing hard that it'll be a girl!). it really doesn't matter, boy or girl, what's impportant is.....she's havin' a baby.....finally!

tastes like coffee...

someone once said, "in order to find a friend you must close one eye, but in order to keep a friend, you must close both eyes." somewhat true...though i am glad that i have kept both my eyes open, because otherwise i wouldn't have seen the bests that were right in front of me.

tastes like coffee is yahoo group that i have created years ago for me and my girlfriends (bing, bubbles, din, jap, jayann, riza, sheila and sheng). so what's with the name you might ask.... coffee has been an unspoken symbol of our friendship that dates more than a decade ago, high school was when it all started. early on for most of us, but it was only later in the senior year that we all got together and realized, we have one hell of a group! coming from different sections in early high school, the bond between us wasn't that strong in the beginning. we all knew each other, hung out for a few times together, but we had other circles of friends. i, in particular was the one so far different from all of my girlfriends. (i can almost hear sheila saying why in the background!) it was not until the senior year, when sheila, sheng, bubbles and i were all in the same class that things started to fall into place. the rest of us were in different classes. but that didn't stop us from banging that year. from cheerleading competitions to group declamation (sabayang pagbigkas) to first dates to first boyfriends, we were all there right beside each other. we had so much fun back in high school when life was much easier.

it wasn't too long though that our ways parted for a while. college was such a busy time for all of us. trying to stay focused on our courses, keeping our feet grounded on the real world. we tried to maintain the contact, but time just flies so fast, before we knew it, we seemed so far apart. some had kids, others had boyfriends, and a few moved far it was just difficult to keep contact with. but we did maintain the friendship, seldom calls and a few times of get-togethers kept it alive. it was only until the early 2000's that we all got back to our feet and realized that we had one another. for a while we went on our own paths but i guess true friendship brought us back together. so why coffee? well because it was through coffee dates that we were reminded we had true friends. when someone was sad and down, we talked about it over coffee...when someone was happy and proud, we shared about it over coffee...when someone had something big to say, we all listened over coffee...so needless to say how much our coffee dates brought us back, and closer, together. more than friends, we are now each other's families. and so now that we are again back on our own ways, with some of us being away in other countries, while others are busy with their own lives, we know that we are never far apart, we know that we are never forgotten, we know that we have each other to hold on to, we know that we have each other to go back to, we know that we have each other come what may....and we know all these because it tastes like coffee....

*bubbles and riza - not in photo

a salute to my siblings

my siblings and i grew up in a family that just had enough, never too much, neither less. when we were younger kids, our father worked abroad to provide for us, but not long after our youngest brother was about to enter school, he came back home. at times, we had what other kids didn't, but at times too, we didn't have what other kids had. but we were always thankful we had parents who provided for us, we never had to take care of each other because our parents did that for us, we never had to think about what to eat, because food was provided for us, we never had to think how to go to school, because that's what our parents worked hard for. but then again, change is the only thing constant in this world, and life is a wheel of fortune, sometimes your up, sometimes your down. and so it was when we were a little older that tides have changed. never did we blame our parents though because we had a taste of a good life, and so much of that good life prepared us for what there is to come. i guess it's fair enough to say that my parents deserve a pat on their backs for they have raised us with our feet on the ground, well enough that we never feared what was on our way. at 30, my sisters ais and mae, at 29 and 28, and our brother digs, at 22, have had a fair share of life's hardships. and throughout these hardships we knew that we had no one else to hold on to but each other. from unpaid house bills, to love problems, to work troubles, to personal responsibilities, to hopes of a better life, we held on to one another...and we held on tight...because it was certainly not just a piece of cake, it was more that what we could have handled alone. perhaps among the four of us, i was the one who needed them the most. i held on to them for so many times in my life that i can't imagine having lived my life without them. when i was down, they were the hopes that kept me high. when i was weary, they were the courage that kept me going. when i had something to be proud of, they were my greatest fans. and so while the world continues to throw troubles upon me, i never worry, because i know i will never go through it alone....i have my siblings and they got my back!

10 conversations that tell me my little ones have grown...

Tristan at 4 and Jason at 3


here are 10 conversations between me and my little ones...conversations that tell me they're little no more....

1. Tristan: "Mom, i need new briefs, the ones i have are all tight now."

Me: "Really?" (as if I don't have a clue he has grown already!)

2. Jason: "Mommy look, I didn't have to fold my pants!" (with a smile on his face!)

Me: "Amazing!" (with a sigh of relief that he is finally growing!)

3. Me: "We're going to the grocery, who wants to come?"

Tristan and Jason: (no answer, both silent!)

4. Me: "Hey look, aren't these shirts nice"

Jason: "Mommy can you please stop buying the same shirt all the time?"

5. Tristan: "Can we go out today?"

Me: "Do you want to watch a movie?"

Jason: "No, can we go shopping?"

6. Jason: "Kuya, check that out!"

Me: "Oh that's a nice car!"

Tristan: "No mom, he meant the girls!"

7. Tristan: "Mom can I ask you something?"

Me: "Sure!"

Tristan: "When am I allowed to have a girlfriend?"

Me: "Never!"

Tristan: "I'm serious mom."

Me: "And I'm serious too!"

8. Jason: "Mommy watch this commercial quick!"

Me: "Why, do you like that snack?"

Jason: "Not the snack mommy! I like the pants and the shirt that guy is wearing."

9. Me: "Do you want a happy meal? It has a batman toy in it!"

Tristan and Jason: (stares at me sharply and walks away!")

and finally...this last one made my heart say, you have to let them go and spread their wings, they're little no more....

10. Me: "Jason be careful, don't run it's slippery!"

Tristan: "Don't worry mom, I got his back!"

my thoughts at 30... (taken from my friendster blog)

a day after my birthday, here's what's on my mind.....
on my boys.... tristan, jason and jim are the best reasons why life is as good as it is now. they're my inspiration, my fulfillment, my life.
on motherhood.... no one in this world can ever criticize me on how i raise my children, because i know i raise them the best way i know how. i have been through a lot, i have weathered so many storms in my life, and i know that when my children grow up they will not be like me, they will be better than me because that's how i raise them to be.
on jim... i could never be happier with anyone else than i am now with jim. he has taught me so many things that i would have never learned alone. he made me feel so loved that i can no longer imagine living my life without him.
on career.... it is always difficult to establish a career, but once you've worked hard for it, it will pay off, twice as much as the effort you've exerted.
on money... if it weren't for my struggles in life, i would have never known the value of money. it is always best when it is money earned from hard work.
on friends... there is a thin line that separates true friends from real friends, yet more often than not, we seem to regret this thinking that our real friends are always true. i have lots of real friends..... lots of them, but true friends... perhaps just a handful.
on life.... i don't seek to have a pat on the back for the life that i have lived so far, just the blessings that God has bestowed upon me for the past years are enough for me to realize that i have been doing a good job. i have nothing much to brag about the 30 years of my life, just the happiness and fulfillment that i have now.

choices and the life we make... (taken from my friendster blog)

would you rather be rich but ugly, or poor but beautiful? would you rather be ugly but intelligent, or beautiful but stupid? would you rather be intelligent but hated, or stupid but loved? would you rather be hated but successful, or loved but a failure? would you rather be successful but not respected, or a failure but respected? there are endless options that we have in this journey called life... so many things to choose from... so many reasons to justify our choices... this is why we are called humans... because we have the power to rationalize... we have the power to think and justify... but do we always make the right choice? of course not... i myself have had so many wrong choices in life... but i was never ashamed of these choices, it may not be the right one in the eyes of other people, it may not be proper, it may not be the best, but since i've committed those choices already, there's no turning back, i have to live with it now... i have to accept the fact that these choices, be it good or bad, are all mine, and so no one is to be blamed for it but me, and i admit i have suffered from my bad choices, so much... but life moves on... it is not a question of the past, because it's all done... nor the future, because no one can tell what it has at stake... what matters is the present, because this is what we live by... and yes, life is what we make it...

what is your greatest fear in life? (taken from my friendster blog)

my greatest fear in life is to wake up 1 day and not fear anything or anyone at all...i don't think life would be as meaningful as it is to me now had i not faced my fears...i don't think i would ever become the better person that i am now had i not learned to conquer my fears...i believe that life is an endless journey, and on this journey, fear is always a necessity...why do i believe so? perhaps it is because after all the fears that i have conquered in my journey called life, i have become i stronger person, ready to face any battle, ready to overcome any obstacle...i could not imagine life without nothing to fear...i think somehow, my fears have given my life direction...i would want to think that there are so many things that i fear, and as i conquer every single one of it, i feel victorious, and so i would never want to live a life without fearing anything or anyone, as it will only mean a life of failure...

givin' it a try....

just like some people, i too keep a friendster blog, i've made a few posts, the last one i think was almost a year ago.....i was never a good writer, nor did i ever had a passion for writing, and so my friendster blog was just to keep up with the latest at that time, although i made some attempts to keep it active, but then i guess i wasn't too successful......but hey, being the risk-taker that i am, here i am again attempting to create another blog (i deleted my friendster blog), and hoping to be able to keep it active with worth-reading posts....so, after visiting a friend's blogsite (baconbitsandcheese.blogspot.com), here i am now thinking......maybe it's worth givin' it a try...